Jokes - October 2009

Fri 06 Nov 09 23:53

Re: Jokes - October 2009

The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday.

This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.

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If you are apt to get a "stiffy" looking at a hybrid. You are probably on the wrong website

Fri 13 Nov 09 20:35

Re: Jokes - October 2009

Looking for an exciting and different holiday next year? Think Cruises are for old farts who have given up on life?:

Try this for size:

http://piratesofsomalialive.com/


Dave

Last edited by slipperywhenvette on Tue 17 Nov 09 19:44; edited 1 time in total. [1 %]
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Thought for the week:
" There are two theories about winning an argument with a woman. Neither one works. "

Midlands Area Regional Rep
Club Events Co-ordinator
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Mon 16 Nov 09 10:49

Re: Jokes - October 2009

The Philosophy of Ambiguity

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY


AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH


1. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

2. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

3. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

4. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

5. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

6. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

7. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

8. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

9. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

10. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

11. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

12. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

13. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

14. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

15. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

16. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

17. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

18. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

19. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

20. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND YOU SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

21. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE AN “S” IN IT?

22. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

23. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

24. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

25. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?

26. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

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I smile because I don’t know what the hell is going on!!!

Thu 19 Nov 09 17:34

Re: Jokes - October 2009

Woman in Asda !!!!! notices a young assistant. He has such a cute bum it makes her randy. She asks him to carry her shopping to the car. On the way she can't hold back any more and says, " I've got an Itchy Pussy ". He says you'll have to point it out love, all these Japanese 4 x 4's look the same to me

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If you are apt to get a "stiffy" looking at a hybrid. You are probably on the wrong website

Thu 19 Nov 09 17:48

Re: Jokes - October 2009

STOP PRESS!!!!!!!!!!
'VIIAGRA ' is now available
in powder form
for your tea.

It doesn't enhance your sexual performance
but it does stop your biscuit from going soft..

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If you are apt to get a "stiffy" looking at a hybrid. You are probably on the wrong website

Fri 20 Nov 09 21:22

Re: Jokes - October 2009

This should be in Novembers but I can't find it


Sorry Pudsey, the funds I set aside for giving to one eyed f**kers are somewhat over taxed this year.

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Don't take life too seriously, after all, your not coming out of it alive.

Mon 23 Nov 09 00:17

Re: Jokes - October 2009

The following is an actual question given on a University of Liverpool chemistry final exam.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues via the internet, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.


Question: Is hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law that gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that, if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in hell. Because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay constant, the volume of hell must expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.
2. If hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Sandra during my freshman year, that "it will be a cold day in hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that hell is endothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is extinct... leaving only heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being - which explains why, last night, Sandra kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A".

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Ex-'75 C3

Mon 23 Nov 09 00:26

Re: Jokes - October 2009

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for awhile, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

Some old men can still think fast.
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If you are apt to get a "stiffy" looking at a hybrid. You are probably on the wrong website

Tue 01 Dec 09 13:39

Re: Jokes - October 2009

JOB HUNTING ANYONE?

http://hr.leeds.ac.uk/jobs/ViewJob.aspx?m=all&JId=785

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Timon C6 & 748 & SRT6
A pint?! Make mine 6 litres ...

http://www.timon.co.uk

Tue 01 Dec 09 13:56

Re: Jokes - October 2009

see six wrote (View Post):JOB HUNTING ANYONE?

http://hr.leeds.ac.uk/jobs/ViewJob.aspx?m=all&JId=785

That sounds like a job for Red Leader... remember his dash to the Pole dancers at Santa Pod?

Anyway come on it's December now...

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CCCUK Membership.

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, body totally worn out, screaming ..................................."WOO HOO, What a Ride!"