Jokes - May 2012

Tue 22 May 12 22:42

Re: Jokes - May 2012

Aplogies to any Liverpudlians if I have offended

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.

He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.

Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint
of Fosters and a pint of bitter.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men,
and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.

After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the
trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it,
thanking him for the Guinness.

When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My
God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the
lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely
gone! It's A Miracle.'

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,

'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.

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Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You're making a scene

Wed 23 May 12 09:45

Re: Jokes - May 2012

Glaswegian superhero...

Qualityman!!

Wed 23 May 12 10:08

A husband and wife are shopping in their local ASDA

The husband picks up a case of Guinness and puts it in their trolley.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only £10 for 18 cans he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife. He does as he’s told and they carry on.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and places it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It’s my face cream - it makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

'So does 18 cans of Guinness and it's half the price.'

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CCCUK Membership Secretary
The views expressed in my posts are personal to me and unless stated, do not represent the opinions of the CCCUK

2003 Euro Spec Electronic thingy....
2003 V6 Daily Barge - with 184k on it. Ticking along nicely
2012 Kia Sportage (her shopping cart)


With one V8 and one V6, I'm doing my bit to improve the Summers

Wed 23 May 12 12:13

Re: Jokes - May 2012

BREAKING NEWS, BREAKING NEWS

Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning
when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.

It later turned out to be a tax disk


HaHa
Rob

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Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You're making a scene

Wed 23 May 12 13:08

Re: Jokes - May 2012

Breaking News

Mappin and Webb the Bimingham Jewellers have had their front window broken into - The Police are looking into it.

The Police have advised that they still have no news on the three Prize dogs taken from Krufts recently - To Comment they said: quote: "We have no leads"

I walked into the Police Station yesterday, told the Seargant I had come for the job.

"What Job?"

"The job on the Notice Board outside: 6ft White Male wanted for Bank Robbery".

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Barry - Daytona Vette

Wed 23 May 12 14:13

Re: Jokes - May 2012

This is alarming . Beer contains female hormones. Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!

Last month, Edinburgh University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 3 times a week over a 3 week period,100 men each drank 8 pints of Boddingtons within a two hour period:

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects - yes, 100% of all these men:-

1) Argued over nothing

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong

3) Gained weight

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional

6) Couldn't drive

7) Failed to think rationally

8) Had to sit down whilst peeing.


No further testing was considered necessary……

--------------------
CCCUK Membership Secretary
The views expressed in my posts are personal to me and unless stated, do not represent the opinions of the CCCUK

2003 Euro Spec Electronic thingy....
2003 V6 Daily Barge - with 184k on it. Ticking along nicely
2012 Kia Sportage (her shopping cart)


With one V8 and one V6, I'm doing my bit to improve the Summers

Wed 30 May 12 13:06

Re: Jokes - May 2012

Paddy Murphy goes into a pub, looking like he'd just been
run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his
face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you,
he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible
lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you
have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

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Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You're making a scene