Jokes - July 2012

Mon 02 Jul 12 10:16

Jokes - July 2012

Roll up roll up, post your funnies here.

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If i'm going to hell, i'm going in a VETTE!!!!

www.kevvwrightelectrical.com

Tue 03 Jul 12 11:56

Re: Jokes - July 2012

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Callaway Honker
Ported throttle body
Ported intake
Crane Cams 1.8 ratio rockers
Kooks Jet Hot coated headers
Pfadt Johnny O'Connel shocks
Hotchkis sway bars
Diablosport Trinity with custom tune
Brian Tooley Racing valve spring kit

When launching and stopping this beast, passengers may experience temporary black-out due to "G" forces
caused by acceleration and deceleration speeds faster than what they are normally accustomed to.

Wed 11 Jul 12 21:46

Re: Jokes - July 2012

missus left a note on the fridge saying

"I'm sorry,It's no good, it's just not working, I'm staying at my mums for a while"

I opened it, light came on and the beer was well chilled,

God knows what she was on about.

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If i'm going to hell, i'm going in a VETTE!!!!

www.kevvwrightelectrical.com

Thu 12 Jul 12 19:18

Re: Jokes - July 2012

One from the wife.


The Pervert phone call



The phone rings, and the wife answers.

A pervert, with heavy breathing, says,


"I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?"

Woman replies,


"Yes, he's watching TV - who shall I say is calling?"

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Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You're making a scene

Sun 15 Jul 12 02:15

Re: Jokes - July 2012

I got home and found the wife gone and a note nailed to the wall,
We have your wife, if you want to see her alive again we want £10.000
Do not contact the police we are very determined, Await a phone call !
They wern't joking about being determined,
ive had 36 missed calls from them now.

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silver 78
Now with Headers,Holley,Comp Cam
Have got quite addicted to this corvette !!!

Mon 16 Jul 12 22:29

Re: Jokes - July 2012

Now on sale at IKEA “beds for lesbians: no nuts or screwing
involved, it's all tongue and groove".

Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced
they are closing lanes 7 and 8.

I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but
explaining they were not a dating agency.

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If you are apt to get a "stiffy" looking at a hybrid. You are probably on the wrong website

Fri 20 Jul 12 17:47

Re: Jokes - July 2012

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid but when I quizzed him on it, he reckoned he could stop any time.

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If you are apt to get a "stiffy" looking at a hybrid. You are probably on the wrong website

Thu 26 Jul 12 10:04

Re: Jokes - July 2012

Only in Britain - Complaints to Councils


Extracts from letters written by council tenants:

1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife..

20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

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Committee Member
Lincolnshire Area Rep
Nationals Organizer
95% of my income I spend on drag racing,
the other 5% I waste

Thu 26 Jul 12 10:05

Re: Jokes - July 2012

- VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES ---



How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of breasts in there..

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and to the select few women who don't own a gun...

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Committee Member
Lincolnshire Area Rep
Nationals Organizer
95% of my income I spend on drag racing,
the other 5% I waste

Thu 26 Jul 12 11:12

Re: Jokes - July 2012

Methinks your heading for a slapping Paul !!!!!

Very funny though .

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If you are apt to get a "stiffy" looking at a hybrid. You are probably on the wrong website