[2009]Corvette Rides at hotel at nationals

Fri 15 May 09 21:00

Re: Corvette Rides at hotel at nationals

Talking about PC Health and Safety rubbish, this year, in October, we celebrate the 203rd Anniversary of the Battle of Trafalgar in which that Great National Hero, Admiral Horatio Nelson, took on, and beat our long-term adversaries, the snivelling Frenchies and their Spanish allies.

But what would have been the case if the battle had taken place in May 2009?

Picture the scene:...

May 15 2009 - Upper Poop-Deck - HMS Victory - 0700 hrs

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye, sir."

N: "Hold on a minute, that's not what I dictated to the signals officer. What's the meaning of this?"

H: "Sorry sir"

N: (reading aloud) "England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledegook is this?"

H: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid sir. We're an equalopportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

N: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

H: "Sorry sir, you're not allowed to smoke whilst on board ship. All naval vessels have been designated as smoke-free working environments."

N: "In that case, Hardy, break open the rum ration and we'll splice the main brace before the battle."

H: "The rum ration has been abolished, sir. It's all part of the Government's policy on Binge Drinking."

N: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it then. Full speed ahead."

H: "I think you'll find there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water, sir."

N: "For ****'s sakes, man! We're on the verge of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all speed. Send a man to the crow's nest."

H: "Not possible, sir."

N: "What??"

H: "health and safety have closed the crow's nest sir. No harnesses, and they say that the rope ladders do not meet current regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

N: "Then get the ship's carpenter without delay."

H: "He's busy building a wheelchair access ramp to the fo'c'sle, sir."

N: "Wheelchair access ? I've never heard anything so absurd."

H: "health and safety again sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently-abled"

N: "Differently-Abled? I've only got one eye and one arm, and I refuse to hear mention of the phrase. I didn't get to be an Admiral by playing the disability card."

H: "Actually, sir, you did. The Admiralty was under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

N: "Whatever next? Give me full sail, the salt spray beckons."

H: "A couple of problems there too, sir. H&S won't let the men up the rigging without harnesses and hard hats, and they don't want them breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

N: " I never heard such infamy. Break out the cannons and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

H: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

N: "What? This is mutiny!"

H: "No, it's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of Legal-Aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

N: "How then are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

H: "Actually, sir, we're not"

N: "What??"

H: "No sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. and, according to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in these waters. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

N: Devil take it, Hardy. You must hate every Frenchy as you would hate the Devil himself."

H: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you say that, sir. You'll be up on a charge."

N: "You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of our King."

H: "Not any more, sir. We must all learn to be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest, sir. It's the rules, and it could save your life."

N: "Don't tell me, health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

H: "As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu, and there's a ban on corporal punishment."

N: "What about sodomy?"

H: "I believe that it is now legal, sir."

N: "In that case, kiss me, Hardy."

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If God intended us to be vegetarians, why are animals made of meat ?

Fri 15 May 09 21:34

Re: Corvette Rides at hotel at nationals

Apt

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'68 coupe - 4 speed - 3.08 - F41 - 489 cu in - 528 bhp @ 5850 rpm - 565 ft/lbs torque (766 Newton Metres) @ 3850 rpm - (225 bhp & 465 ft/lb Torque @ 2500 rpm)

Act like a juvenile before turning senile !

Fri 15 May 09 22:06

If I'm not already coming to the Nationals with a lovely lady, which I hope I will be then I'll give a ride in my Corvette to any hotel staff on the following conditions...

...the hotel employee shall be female, she is 5 years below or above my age, between 5'6 to 5'9, size 8 to 10 and of course single most likey through choice.

For health and safety I shall be insisting on wearing seat belts, then shortly after the seatbelts are undone I shall use a condom.

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1985 - C4 Red Auto - Sold
2002 - VW Golf GTi Turbo
2009 - Kawasaki Ninja ZX-6R

Nothing to prove? Proved to be rip off artists with a bad attidude.

Tue 23 Jun 09 21:57

Re: Corvette Rides at hotel at nationals

Rich,
I'd be happy to offer a ride in my car ..Ill be arriving sometime early saturday afternoon!

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Requin Productions
based in Germany
Video Production Services

Tue 23 Jun 09 22:09

Re: Corvette Rides at hotel at nationals

Thanks for all the offers of support. We are still pulling this together. I'll let people know for certain on Saturday.

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Rich Rogers
CCCUK Lifetime Member
2008 LS3 Victory Red Coupe

Wed 24 Jun 09 00:15

Re: Corvette Rides at hotel at nationals

I'm a c3 owner . ive been in c4. but never in a c2 c5 or c6 . any chance someone would oblige. although i'm a bloke i could wear a frock if necessary.

Wed 24 Jun 09 00:24

Re: Corvette Rides at hotel at nationals

derock wrote (View Post):I'm a c3 owner . ive been in c4. but never in a c2 c5 or c6 . any chance someone would oblige. although i'm a bloke i could wear a frock if necessary.

Avoid wearing a skirt too short if you can Derock - you don't really want the embarrasment of anyone seeing your gonads when you slide in and out of the car

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'68 coupe - 4 speed - 3.08 - F41 - 489 cu in - 528 bhp @ 5850 rpm - 565 ft/lbs torque (766 Newton Metres) @ 3850 rpm - (225 bhp & 465 ft/lb Torque @ 2500 rpm)

Act like a juvenile before turning senile !

Wed 24 Jun 09 00:35

Re: Corvette Rides at hotel at nationals

Would wearing a skirt in a Corvette make you a TRANSVETTITE ?

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'68 coupe - 4 speed - 3.08 - F41 - 489 cu in - 528 bhp @ 5850 rpm - 565 ft/lbs torque (766 Newton Metres) @ 3850 rpm - (225 bhp & 465 ft/lb Torque @ 2500 rpm)

Act like a juvenile before turning senile !

Wed 24 Jun 09 18:07

Re: Corvette Rides at hotel at nationals

roscobbc wrote (View Post): Would wearing a skirt in a Corvette make you a TRANSVETTITE ?

Only if it's a tight skirt otherwise it would be a Transvetloose.......

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2003 Millenium Yellow C5 Z06
Twin Turbocharged, 383 stroker, Wilwood 6-pots up front, Coilovers, T1 swaybars, Harness Bar, 4 -point sparco harness, Corbeau Pro Series seats, Wolfe Race Craft 10-point Cromoly weld in roll cage, loads of other cool shit.
Snow Performance Water/Methanol injection kit.
2010 Jetstream Blue C6 ZR1
Completely stock.....honest.

Thu 25 Jun 09 20:16

Re: Corvette Rides at hotel at nationals

There's rather an assumption here that the staff requesting these lttle trips will be female? In my vette travels recently it's been noticeable that the most "nice car mate" comments have come from Eastern European males who usually want to know first how much it cost (which makes a change from the mpg question).

Given the number of Eastern Europeans in the Hotel and catering industries generally these days I wouldn't be surprised if we have a queue of guys, so I'd all put your libidos on hold (unless you prefer to drive on the wrong side of the road down chocolate lane as it were )

Dave

Last edited by slipperywhenvette on Thu 25 Jun 09 21:29; edited 1 time in total. [1 %]
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Thought for the week:
" There are two theories about winning an argument with a woman. Neither one works. "

Midlands Area Regional Rep
Club Events Co-ordinator
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